Coronavirus quotes that show human beings will always find the funny side, even in a crisis
Содержание:
- Funniest Quarantine Jokes
- Jokes About Louis C.K.’s Coronavirus Stand-Up Special
- Dr. Grayfang (@drgrayfang)
- Funny Coronavirus Quotes And Coronavirus Jokes
- Reid Hailey (@animalsdoingthings, @nochaser, @shitsheadsteve—and 17 other comedy accounts)
- Funniest Coronavirus Jokes
- Emma Diamond (@commentsbycelebs)
- Coronavirus Quotes About New Domestic Life
- Reading Comprehension | The New Coronavirus
Funniest Quarantine Jokes
- Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
- Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”
- Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
- My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
- Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
- My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
- After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
- If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
- Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
- Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.
- Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder
- I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
- The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
- Since we’re all in quarantine I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on.
- I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.
- This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog–we laughed a lot.
- Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
- I finished Netflix today.
- Pollen still coming out during a global pandemic? Bitch read the room.
- – Knock knock. Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and get back 6 meters to social distance.
- Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
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In a rather more NSFW moment, controversial American comedian Louis C.K. announced a new stand-up special ‘for those who need to laugh’ during these testing times. The announcement was met with a mixed response, considering the comedian’s recent media trial, on counts of alleged sexual misconduct.
In 2017, the C.K. was accused of misconduct — which included allegations of him masturbating in front of people without their consent — by five different women. At first, he either refused to comment on, or denied the allegations, but the day after the New York Times released their exposé, Louis C.K. put out a statement admitting to many of the accusations levelled against him.
Kevin Mazur
After the news that C.K. was planning a one-off comedy ‘special’ during lockdown, other comedians and writers took to Twitter to poke fun at the situation, imagining what jokes C.K. might be planning to use in his coronavirus-show.
Some are definitely too NSFW to share (click here if you want to read the whole thread), but here are a few:
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Dr. Grayfang (@drgrayfang)
“I’m stuck at home with the kids, and right now they’re trying to jump in the closed-off pool,” says Dr. Grayfang, the anonymous founder of @drgrayfang, which has attracted 2 million followers. (He doesn’t make his identity public, he says, because his government job wouldn’t take a shine to his satirical side gig. We’re no narc—the good doctor’s details are safe with us.) For meme-makers like Dr. Grayfang, “the only way we know how to cope with things in life is to make a joke about it.”
@drgrayfang
“I posted this immediately about hearing about Tom Hanks. I think when coronavirus really scared everybody was when Hanks got it because he is a national treasure.”
@drgrayfang
@drgrayfang
“I’d say 80% of my crowd is 18 to 35. Most of them know what an N64 is and have played with it their friends for far too long. Some people, though, I can tell how old they are when they comment, What the hell is that thing?”
@drgrayfang
Alas, this text conversation never actually happened. “It’s fake. I was texting myself and deleting the extra text.”
Many people — the ones who aren’t sick, obviously — are beginning to try and see the funny side of the self-isolation, keeping people’s spirits up by laughing about new opportunities to drink more, work out less, text an ex and eat tonnes of snacks.
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This content is imported from Instagram. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
This content is imported from Instagram. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
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This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
This content is imported from Twitter. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
This content is imported from Instagram. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
This content is imported from Instagram. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
This content is imported from Instagram. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
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Reid Hailey (@animalsdoingthings, @nochaser, @shitsheadsteve—and 17 other comedy accounts)
“A lot of jokes are about something serious. It’s finding the silver lining,” says Hailey, cofounder and CEO of Atlanta-based DoingThingsMedia, which has 50 million followers across 20 accounts (including @animalsdoingthings, @nochaser and @shitsheadsteve). “It’s hard not to post” something that’s corona-related, he says. “That’s the only thing being talked about on social media.”
This was one of two PSA posts that DoingThingsMedia produced in partnership with “My cofounder Derek Lucas created this video. The WHO wanted us to help push out the message about needing to wash your hands, and it’s an awesome thing to be able to do that.”
“The toilet paper shortage is just ridiculous. We’re playing on that. It’s funny, like, Yeah, the government doesn’t want you to know, but you can really grow your own toilet paper.”
“Dad humor. Everyone can think of their dad or their granddad doing the same thing.”
- Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….
- You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
- What’s the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.
- If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?
- What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.
- What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.
- Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
- You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Assholes.
- Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.
- Why don’t chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.
- What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke? Be patient.
- The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.
- I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
- Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.
- What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever? Self, I so late.
- Still no toilet paper in the stores. They’re wiped out and you’re shit out of luck.
- So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.
- What did the man say to the bartender? I’ll have a corona, hold the virus.
- If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.
- Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.
- I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.
- Yeah, I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.
- Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.
- 30 days hath September, April, June, and November, all the rest have 31, except for March which was infinite.
- What types of jokes are allowed during quarantine? Inside jokes!
- You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.
- What did the sick parent make their kids for lunch? Mac and sneeze.
- Where do sick boats go to get healthy? The dock!
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Emma Diamond (@commentsbycelebs)
On Instagram, “we’ve seen this real hunger for content that we haven’t seen in a while. People need an escape,” says Diamond, co-creator of @commentsbycelebs (1.4 million). “We’ve tried to be posting more, to find creative ways to keep people entertained. People need stuff to do.”
“There is nothing better than when the celebrity in the meme comments on the meme. It’s kind of this digital inception,” as in the memory-inserting technique from Christopher Nolan’s 2010 Inception. In this meme, Christopher Noth’s “comment is just an emoji, nothing crazy. But the fact that he commented adds a whole other layer. He’s in on the joke, and it makes it so meta.”
“It’s this really interesting kind of duality: I’m watching CNN, and I’m seeing Anderson Cooper talking so seriously about the virus, but then to see him able to play into it and have a little fun, a little light heartedness…there’s something cool about that.”
“This one just hit on the nostalgia. It’s less about the comment. At a time like this, people are craving nostalgia and something that adds a sense of camaraderie. And if you’re anyone near our age group”—Diamond is 25— “you very vividly remember that Hannah Montana episode” from the Disney Channel show that first made Cyrus famous. “It’s a staple. To see her posting it just brings us back.”
“Decker was able to say what all women were thinking when they saw that. We all find the sense of comfort in high-rise jeans,” not the more revealing low-waisted ones that the model wears. “For her to point that out was an example of making a light-hearted comment about a serious issue.”
Some people are finding domestic life is either ridiculous, unbearable, or — for the unsociable among us — remarkably similar to the way it was before the Covid-19 pandemic.
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Christina Aguilera likened quarantine to her 1999 hit ‘Genie in a bottle’ and we are totally here for it. Posting a clip from the original video, the pop superstar captioned the Instagram with some of the song’s most fitting lyrics:
Develop your reading skills. Read the following text about the coronavirus and do the comprehension questions
Coronaviruses were discovered in the 1960s. They are a group of viruses that cause diseases in mammals and birds. In humans, coronaviruses cause respiratory tract infections that are typically mild, such as the common cold.
The name «coronavirus» is derived from the Latin corona, meaning crown or halo. The name refers to the characteristic appearance of the infective form of the virus, which is reminiscent of a crown or a solar corona.
At the end of 2019, a new type of coronavirus started spreading in China. This type of coronavirus is often called 2019-nCoV, novel coronavirus, or COVID-19. It is believed that the virus was transmitted from animals to humans. Some of the first cases were diagnosed in people who had visited a market selling live seafood and animals. Unfortunately, when viruses are transmitted from animals to people, it can take scientists a lot of time before they can develop a vaccine or medicines to cure it.
Some of the symptoms of the coronavirus are fever, cough, runny nose, sore throat, headache, and trouble breathing. These symptoms are very much like those people have with a cold or the flu. The virus can be more serious in some people, especially if they are sick or have health problems.
While it is early to have a definite picture of the disease because scientists are still collecting the data, some patterns have already emerged. Some early reports reveal that children seem to be getting coronavirus at much lower rates than adults. Even if they get infected, the symptoms are milder. However, most people who get severely infected are those with a weak immune system, like the elderly. Coronavirus may be life-threatening for these people. They may develop more serious respiratory tract illnesses that may be fatal.
How does the virus spread?
The virus appears to spread mainly from person to person. The transmission occurs when someone comes into contact with an infected person. For example, a cough, sneeze or handshake could cause transmission. The spread may also be caused by coming into contact with something an infected person has touched and then touching your mouth, nose or eyes.
Treatment
There is no specific vaccine or medication to cure the disease, but generally, symptoms will go away on their own. However, experts recommend seeking medical care early if symptoms feel worse than a standard cold. Doctors can relieve symptoms by prescribing pain or fever medication. As far as antibiotics are concerned, they are useless to treat coronavirus.
People who think they may have been exposed to the virus should contact their healthcare provider immediately. A set of preventive measures are usually followed in case someone gets infected. This includes keeping infected people in quarantine for a certain period, generally fourteen days.
To protect yourself from the virus, here are six recommendations to follow:
- Avoid contact with people who are already infected.
- Wash your hands well and regularly for at least 20 seconds with soap and water or use hand sanitizer.
- Avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth if you haven’t washed your hands.
- Clean and disinfect surfaces and objects that people touch a lot.
- Stay home when you are sick.
- Cover your cough or sneeze with a tissue, then throw the tissue in the trash.
Sources: Wikipedia
